Giving Good Phone

I’ve been working in a call center lately. It is a very temporary job, but nowadays... well, it’s a job. It’s been an interesting experience. We get a lot of calls from people looking for jobs, and sometimes I can help them. And that’s nice. However, let me tell you, if the first step in weeding out applicants were the initial phone call, we’d be dealing with a lot fewer applications. Therefore, in deference to the fact that some, if not many, businesses (especially the higher up they get) do use the initial contact by phone as a part of the over-all test, I would like to offer the following telephone tips to anybody who might be looking for a job.

1. Know what you’re going to say before you call. Script it if you must.

2. Turn off all background noise or get away from any background distractions. (Loud stereos, barking dogs, and screaming children are, quite frankly, annoying. You, by association, becoming annoying, too.)

3. Make sure you have a good connection before you call. A good connection is never in your car while you’re driving. I mean, how important is this phone call to you, anyway?

4. Make sure your connection is going to stay good. I shouldn’t have to work to understand you.

5. Be positive.

6. Annunciate. Speak slowly, but deliberately. Clearly pronounce your words. Don’t slur them together, but don’t speak so slowly that I find myself looking at the clock.

7. Sound intelligent. If necessary, wait until the drugs have worn off. And if “Ummm” is the best thing you have to say, then don’t say anything at all.

8. When leaving a message, be especially clear when giving your phone number.

9. Do not assume that whomever you’re calling knows your area code, what city your calling from, or who you are.

10. Really, there’s no need to tell someone the phone number you’re giving them is from a cell. What difference does it make? And don’t give them a bunch of phone numbers. One number is enough. Give them the number you carry with you everywhere you go. Why would you give anybody a phone number where it’s hard to reach you at? (“Yeah, I got a phone I carry with me everywhere I go, but I’m not going to give you that number. I’m going to give you the one at my Aunt Jean’s house. I go there every Thanksgiving. That’s when I check my calls.”)

11. Don’t have stupid messages or bad music (or any music – especially you singing) on your answering machine (for when they call back). (“Dude, we can’t come to the phone right now because we’re all getting high...”)

12. Say the bare minimum. We don’t need to hear your life story. We know you need a job. That’s why you called. And for crying out loud, don’t come across as desperate.

13. Be polite. And mean it. Please and Thank You. Ma’am and Sir. It’s expected.

Really, you don’t need to wig out too much on the phone interview. And that’s what it is. Every time you communicate with a future employer, it’s an interview of one sort or the other. You see, the thing is, if you even try at all, you’ll come across as OK. And I’ll tell you why. Remember back in high school when your teachers warned you about how competitive the world was? It’s a dog-eat-dog world! (Which, incidentally, is why I have cats.) Now, while you’re thinking about high school, remember all the kids who were in class with you? I mean, seriously, how much competition was there? Just knowing how to set your own alarm clock put you in the top 20%.

Stay tuned to this site. In the coming weeks you’ll receive more tips on getting jobs. Such as Taking Hostages. Becoming a Pirate. Joining the Military. Selling your soul in a buyer’s market. And Many More, including changing your name to Minnie Moore, and then suing every company that makes a record compilation that doesn’t include a song by you when they say, “And many more....” Ideas. Who, boy, have I got ideas.